CLOSURE

If I had not this most precious relationship with the angelic host, I might have succumbed to the melancholies of the past year. I am lucky to view this gameboard from the top down, seeing clearly the nature of this fray of interactions. We’re Lights of the highest order, comprised of immaculate Source, cultured in this perfect, causal playground. As I join new peers on the next rung of this conscious ladder, these capricious sprites do all they can to solidify my angelic vision and outlook. That entails trials by white fire and a trampling of delusions, including all arising from my egoic chrysalis; they are severing the ties between my soul and anything I’m attached to, no matter how special it seems. If there is a hurt to be inflicted, they will inflict it.

     Enlightenment is the ego’s biggest disappointment. Nirvana upsets rationale. And the angels know that everything here is flimsy and brittle; nothing conceivable is permanent, nothing has meaning. This is the Crown of third-density revelation; as you squeeze though its upper portion into higher dimensions, you will understand the nature of perceived reality. All phenomenons are digital machinations for the culturing of raw soul into distilled wisdom and willpower. “Life” is gestation for soul, and soul becomes angels – PERIOD.

     They took my partner of two years, and it crushed me. I got over it. She and her friends messed with my money for a time, and I allowed it. I had no choice but to let that experience shift me into greater awareness. Bewilderment, of course, but then a bit of humor and then acceptance. Then, I found out she was pregnant with my twins (triplets?); people kept it from me. A lot of people knew and were complicit in hiding this fact. She lost them at 6 months, then I was allowed to know. In a day, I experienced every possible emotion. And I moved on.
     I had another partner. The whole thing was some kind of necessary calibration. And when it was over, I felt totally used. But I learned from it. I moved on. The angels intended me to find my way back to me, and I thank her for her time and her role in processing some life stuff that was on the backburner.

     There were a lot of upsets and I handled them well, I think. I just want everyone to be okay. I want people to know what I know and see what I see. I devote myself to helping people, and I give give give give give. I strive to be inexhaustible and I am lucky to have witnesses who know me well and see my intentions and know the frame of my existence on the Earth.

     I invited Meredith to be my apprentice. She accepted and we wasted no time to get her oriented and trained. I asked nothing of her but grit and sincerity. We grew close and bonded over art and tattooing. She became a witness to my life and quickly became one of my most trusted friends. I fell deeply in love with her and wanted to give her the world. I gave her my most intimate secrets about my craft, and opened up the world of my knowledge to her freely.
     For a time, I thought we might end up together, but we decided to focus on what we had going. There was a lot of love.
     I meditate deeply on how things got sour in her heart. I’ve learned that you can give people every ounce of your blood and it won’t be enough. You never truly know who you’re dealing with, and it’s best to not have expectations of strangers. I thought I was giving enough. I thought I made for her the perfect set of circumstances. I saw a gap when she had some stuff come up in life and blew an interaction of ours out of proportion. I figured she knew my humor and my behaviors; honestly, of everyone around, I felt like she accepted me for what I was and knew how I ticked. Yet another naive expectation.
     There was only ever love in me for her. She promised me all the time that she would never leave. She swore she would never go to a sub-par shop, robbing me of my skill to scratch a living with posers. Looking at all the pieces on the board, I guessed that would eventually be a lie…
     I never had any intention of holding her down or anything like that. In fact, I was kind of looking forward to maybe tattooing solo again one day. But I never wanted her out of my life. Even now, I can’t understand why she just dropped me like a bad habit. Whatever her explanation is couldn’t possibly account for such a cold, random reaction. So, I remain baffled. The angels are cold and swift; they will attack that which is most precious and sacred to you, even your truest, most sincerest loves and bonds. Especially those ones.

     I guess one could ask, “If you’re supposed to let it go, then why take the time to say something?” I guess my pride is hurt. I guess I want to salvage as best I can the last shreds of my dignity as yet another mother fucker leaves me hanging with nothing but pain to show for my incessant giving and fostering and care and earnest want for their success. It feels right to me to get it off my chest, because to this day I have received no closure. So, maybe I wish to create a sliver of closure for myself so I can move on. Also, I’m tired of anyone telling me how to handle these occurrences in my life. My rate, my comprehension of time and space, my power and Will are uncommon factors in the fray of interaction and my reactions are valid and probably necessary. Lessers would demand that I be as benign as they, but I literally cannot comform. It was exactly this that she used as an excuse to part from my company.

     She had a show with a band she’s in. I went, despite the potential that my troublemaker ex would be there (which Meredith told me); that didn’t bother me. I just wanted to support Meredith, nothing more. So, I went. The show was sold out. My ex showed up and made a weird gesture at me. She threw herself into the arms of the little door man – Cole – whispering a bunch of things into his ear. Inside, I was like, “Aw geez, here we go.” After a little while, I decided I didn’t want to linger. I told my buddy I wanted to leave and I was going to try one last time to see Meredith before we departed. I went up to the door guy and casually asked his name as I was looking in the venue for her. I couldn’t see her, so I left. As I was exiting the door of the main building, I hear behind me, “You see those guys, FUCK those guys! They are trouble. They are not allowed to come back in here. Fuck those guys!”
     I couldn’t ignore it. Every fiber in my being said that I needed to go back into this hornet’s nest of retards to defend my honor. I turned and went right back up to him demanding that he repeat to my face what he felt so comfortable saying in my absence. He shrank. He froze. I saw that he realized that that was poor form. I demanded that he get his manager, I demanded that he take back what he’d said. There were people there, I warned them not to interfere or physically engage me, which was respected for obvious reasons. If I wanted harm, it would have been done silently, swiftly and irreversibly. The angels are ever with me, and they will accept nothing but just response from me (i.e., it would be unskillful of me to unleash hell on my lessers, so it’s not an option). I told the doorman that that woman (Sarah) has spent the better part of eight years ruining my life and spewing slanderous nonsense about me. I screamed that I am a good person and I’m tired of this unnecessary bad reputation that follows me in certain arenas. The cry of an ugly child that just wants to be cool with everyone.
     Finally, he reached out to shake my hand. I shook it and forgave and I left peacefully. The next day, Meredith showed up with her partner to quit. She said, “I can’t do this anymore. You crossed a line with a good friend of mine.” She angrily took her things from my studio. I begged her to listen to reason and asked her what exactly had I done to make her want to leave. The version of the story her “friends” gave her was that they said what they said after I got in the guy’s face. I offered only logic and truth, explaining that I would have no reason to just go off on someone. I said that the venue has cameras and begged her to look at them to get the real story (I know she knows how to get the footage). Why would I even bring it up if I thought it would incriminate me? Her partner, who was inexplicably mad at me, said, “I don’t care” and “You’re a psycho”. I said that he can’t not care because he’s the one lobbing accusations and I’m saying that there is an empirical way to get to the bottom of what actually went down. Also, quantify with one instance of me being “psychotic”. Nothing but a stupid look on his face. Mad for what reason, I know not, because they came armed only with what others had said to them; “friends” who were cool with fucking up a good thing that I not only did for her, but for him by extension instead of admitting he’d made a mistake and telling it like it was. It was one of the most surreal moments of my life (and I’ve seen UFOs) and it brings me to tears typing it.

     Furthermore, let’s say THAT was exactly what went down – I showed up and made a scene, raising my voice and just getting in someone’s face: aren’t I your friend, too? Haven’t I given you so much more than any of these wannabe gutter-punk friends of yours combined?? You see my pride in agony? The little, bald, effete, ineffectual dishonest man wins that which I love most on the Earth? I worshipped her. How on Earth could this be your response to someone who you know is loyal to you and would give you his last drop of blood? The angels work in surreal fucking ways, man.

     I was kind of alarmed that she brought her guy with her, knowing full well the bombshell shit I could say about the nature of our relationship - our history. I asked if I should drop some truth bombs, and he looked at her and she looked at me like a deer in headlights. I held my tongue. I’m not sure what came of that, but the last thing she said was that she wanted space to think. I obliged. All I wanted to do was hug her close and ask for forgiveness. I even asked, “What was I supposed to do? Let them say that about me? I’m so tired of people talking shit about me, I’m so tired of strangers having hatred towards me when we’ve said less than two words to each other.” I stand by that sentiment. I’m over it. I will defend myself and give you the unbridled truth. I’m not afraid of my truth. I’m not ashamed of anything I am. I am not afraid to want us all to love each other.

     She made a mistake. I hate to admit that even after all this, I’d still take her back. I miss her so much all the time, it hurts. I’m paralyzed by the events as they’ve happened. If she would have come to say she wanted to move on, I would’ve been cool with it. In fact, I wanted to get her different tattoo experiences. I want what’s best for her. Maybe this is exactly what she needs?
     I offer this as my honest two-cents. It felt deeply necessary to show up. Again, I find the lessons and growth in what has happened and am accepting what is. I try to find humor in the irony and surreality of this moment. It is what it is.

Meredith, I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you.